Tag: family

Reacting vs Responding

Growing up in Florida, I played a lot of tennis. Even though I lived near one of the best tennis schools in the country, I never took any lessons. My friends and I would bring our rackets and a can of balls to an open court and play for hours.

I wasn’t the best player, but I was able to present a good challenge. My untrained backhand had a severe backspin, making it difficult for my opponents to reach. My serve was chaotic but fast, so it was hard to return in the rare instances when it went in. But the main reason why I was a tough opponent was that I was fast and could get to balls anywhere on the court.

I started playing more tennis when we moved to the suburbs a few years ago. At first, I took a few lessons and clinics, then leaned in and played a few hours a week. I’ve slowly progressed in my technique, but I still have speed. I can still react. But reacting is exhausting.

Reacting is instinctive. It’s fast. It’s unconscious. Reacting is about survival, but that can get me into trouble. I might keep the match going, only to put myself in a worse position than before. Reacting begets reacting, which, in tennis, means a lot of running around.

Responding is intentional. It’s slower, but that intention can create more space. Responding keeps the match going and aims to put me in a better position for the next shot. That looking ahead and control is more efficient and effective.

When our epilepsy journey first began, all we did was react.

Seizure. React. Status. React. Medications. React. Side effects. React. Ataxia. React. New seizures. React. New medications. React. New side effects. React.

There was no time to think, no time to plan, no time to be intentional. There was no space. Every time we reacted, we’d hit the ball back over the net only to have our opponent easily smash it back across the court and force us to rush to reach it. Our opponent was trying to win the match, and every desperate reaction we had was to keep our son alive.

This went on for years until his condition stabilized, and we could finally catch our breath. Initially, the feeling of not having to react was foreign and unsettling. We had been reacting for so long that I had forgotten there was another way, and I had no reference for what that other way looked like when it came to epilepsy and our son.

After a while, though, we began adjusting to this new way. The ability to introduce intention into our decision-making has given us the space to catch our breath and make choices that move us forward. Rather than sending him to a school that couldn’t accommodate him, we could take the time and find a school that was right for him. Rather than being afraid to schedule activities, we began living our lives.

That’s not to say that we don’t still react. Epilepsy is a crafty opponent that can catch us off guard and force us to scramble. But reacting is not the only thing we do, which makes a big difference.

My Wife Is A Superhero

This summer, my wife and I attended a concert at an outdoor venue outside the city. It was a warm night, the sun beating down on us as we stood in line to enter.

I scanned the crowd. The energy was good. I noticed a family sitting on the ground towards the end of the line. I didn’t think much of it, other than that the lines must have gotten long enough to reach where they had decided to sit.

Moments later, there were screams.

“Daddy!” a young voice yelled.

I looked over and saw the father of that family lying on the ground. People started to pull away and a small circle formed, watching.

“Daddy!”

I turned to see, as everyone else was backing up, my wife dashing towards the sound.

Security arrived and started moving everyone back. Enough space cleared to see that the man was beginning to come around. My wife was on the ground with a young girl who was crying and calling for her dad and a young boy who stood frozen, watching as people arrived to attend to his father.

I watched as my wife comforted the children, surrounded by the commotion and chaos of the crowd, watching and whispering as the staff pushed them back. Eventually, the father was sitting up, and I could see that he was talking. A wheelchair arrived. The man made it into the chair, and a medic pushed him through security with his wife at his side. My wife followed, holding the hands of the two children as she continued to calm their distress.

This wasn’t the first time that I saw my wife step up in this way. She’s done it for our son hundreds of times, reacting to the sound of our son having a seizure and rushing to his aide. She’s done it for her students over the years. And she’s done it when we are out in public, and the need arises. It’s always instinctual, it’s always kind, and it’s always genuine.

It’s always inspiring.

The world needs more of that. We’re afraid to step in. We’re indifferent. We’re so eager to attack anyone in our space and to not accept help. We’re too selfish to be altruistic. We’re too polarized to have empathy for the “other.” Stories like this are anomalies, which is why they get so much attention when they happen. Kindness is so rare that stories and videos showing it are treated as curiosities, like catching sight of an endangered species.

I sometimes take it for granted that not everyone is capable of giving or receiving kindness and empathy. I see my wife’s example and how she instills that same kindness in our son. Because of her, I notice it in the other people in our lives, as well.

Maybe someone who saw my wife jump in will feel compelled to do the same the next time they see someone who needs help. Perhaps they’ll be inspired to demonstrate even a small act of compassion, understanding, and love. We are capable of such wonderful things, but without more empathy and kindness, we will eventually become the endangered species ourselves.

After we entered the venue, we grabbed some food and sat on the lawn that overlooked the city. People slowly strolled up the path past us to start finding their seats.

“There she is!” A familiar voice led my eyes to a little girl with her family in the distance who was pointing at my wife. Her face beamed as she waved. I saw the mother mouth “thank you” to my wife as they slowly made their way along the sidewalk. The father cast a glance of deep appreciation to my wife as they continued on their way. My wife waved back, and I could see her eyes water as she took a deep breath.

I know superheroes exist because I married one, but we need more of them. If we can find them, or if we can become them, maybe there is hope.

Out of Balance

One night before bed, my wife came and sat next to me.

“I know you’re tired,” she said. “But when you get that tired, the way you check out is to be really short with us, and like we are bothering you. We haven’t been spending a lot of time with our son, and that’s how he sees you at night.”

Of course, she was right. Looking back, I can see how I responded with one-word answers or a tone of disinterest. Our nights became about checking out by sitting on the couch watching TV while our son played video games online with his friends in the basement. Dinner time was mostly apart, as well, us watching TV while he ate and watched his iPad.

It was too easy to fall into this routine. The long winter nights, the lingering pandemic, the burnout from keeping everything together leeched our energy and motivation. We checked out long before it was time to check out, and anything that required exerting effort or interest was met with resentment and disdain.

After my wife called me out, I felt ashamed and guilty. I used the excuse of letting him play with his friends to justify my behavior. “He’s doing what he wants to be doing, so it’s ok to check out.” But it was just that…an excuse.

I’m glad that he has friends now from school and has more independence to hang out with them virtually. It’s what he wants to do and what he should be doing, especially after many years of isolation.

It also comes after so many years where we were always “on,” too. We were the caregivers of a child with epilepsy, with all the care and worry that required. We were his emotional regulators when he couldn’t do it himself. We were his teachers and his entertainment when he was too sick to attend school. That was in addition to trying to manage our own lives, jobs, and relationships.

But moving from one extreme to another threw everything out of balance. That’s not to say that the amount of time needs to be equally portioned. My son is getting older, and we’re not his only source of entertainment or care anymore. He should be spending more time with friends and more time with himself. But that doesn’t mean those two things should be the only things in his life or that they are excuses not to be a parent.

Or a husband. Sitting on the couch next to my wife isn’t spending time together. We’re relaxing but not interacting. We just happen to be occupying the same space and doing the same thing.

As in most situations, awareness is the first step to change. I’m grateful to my wife for pointing out where I was and how I was responding to our son. Since then, I’ve been more aware of my tone, and we’ve also started having more family dinners, more walks in the neighborhood, and more ping pong tournaments in the basement. My son still plays with his friends, and my wife and I still veg out on the couch watching television. But, now, those aren’t the only things we do.