Tag: parenting

And Then There Were Six

I always imagined that I would have a bigger family. When my friends started having children, I saw the joy each baby brought into the world and wanted to fill our house with a family of our own.

The birth of our son was one of the greatest moments in my life, even though it was also one of the scariest. A doctor’s visit turned into an emergency C-section later that day, and my first moment as a father was standing in the operating room in scrubs, clutching my camera, watching as they lifted my son from behind a privacy screen.

That was during a SARS pandemic in the middle of a Colorado blizzard.

Even with the dramatic start to our family, I was ready to do it again once we found our footing as new parents. But then came postpartum depression. Then came the stress and pressure placed on a new couple that barely had time being married before they became parents. Then came the seizures. Then, it was taken out of our hands with a partial hysterectomy to remove a mass.

Everything about our plans for the future changed. Those were hard times, especially for my wife, both physically and emotionally. The idea of a big family was gone, but not having another child allowed us to focus on saving the one we did have. It also allowed us to work on healing ourselves and finding our way back to each other. The struggle and the journey led us to the amazing family we do have.

We added our son’s service dog to our family a few years ago and another poodle to the unit last year. These additions did wonders for our son’s expressions of empathy and compassion as he learned to connect with other living creatures. Although not quite a sibling, our son still formed a close relationship with them that continues to deepen.

This summer, we welcomed a new, if only temporary, member into our home. One of my wife’s former students, who has her own challenges, came to stay with us. While the change of environment, I think, has been beneficial for her, her presence has also had a noticeable difference for our son and our entire family.

Even before her arrival, my son was thinking of ways to make her feel at home. He helped get the house ready, created the “Welcome” sign we held when we picked her up from the airport and gave her space and attention as she adjusted to her new environment.

She is a few years older than our son, but she understands him. They’ve found ways to interact, whether it’s playing Minecraft or chess together or her watching him play basketball or hockey in the driveway. She’s patient as he tries to explain how to shoot the ball or swing a hockey stick, giving him someone to interact with rather than being isolated on his electronics.

Her presence was a catalyst for changes we struggled to make as a family stuck in our routines. We’re eating more meals together and having conversations at the dinner table. We’re experiencing the excitement of giving her a few firsts, or firsts in a while, going to baseball games and concerts, and including her in our family rituals.

With the challenges our son and our family faced years ago, we couldn’t have done this then, or it would have been a much different experience. There is a reason this is happening now, both for us and for her. I’m grateful for the changes I see in our son and our expanded family.

For however long it lasts.

It’s Bigger on the Outside

My son is nearly 6 feet tall, and from the outside, people don’t expect him to be only 14 years old. They expect him to be more mature and are surprised when the interaction is with a child. Intellectually and emotionally, he’s even younger than his age, so the discrepancy seems even more extreme.

There’s a recurring gag in the television show Doctor Who about his spaceship time machine, the TARDIS. On the outside, the TARDIS is disguised as a police phone booth. When people cross the threshold, they discover that it’s a huge ship, and the usual response is, “It’s bigger on the inside.”

Unlike the TARDIS, my son is bigger on the outside.

I sometimes fall into the same trap, with expectations miscalibrated to his outside appearance. I’ll get frustrated when he doesn’t understand the context or know how to describe or communicate the details of a situation. I’ll get thrown when I assume he sees the same negative intention of the world around us but leads with sweetness and innocence. Inside that tall, slender exterior is my boy, still a child in every way except for the vehicle his kind, wonderful soul travels in.

There is one thing about our son that is bigger on the inside.

His heart.

Independence

Independence is happiness.

Susan B. Anthony

As my son has gotten older, he has been asking questions about what it means to be independent.

My standard answer is that being independent means taking responsibility for your life and making decisions that affect you.

Taking responsibility involves tasks such as chores, schoolwork, and personal care. It means managing time effectively and fulfilling commitments without relying too much on others.

Decision-making means making choices about hobbies, friendships, daily schedules, and more. It’s also about understanding the consequences of your actions and making decisions that are right for you.

Independence also involves speaking up for yourself and your needs, whether at school, home, or in social situations. It’s about expressing your opinions and standing up for your beliefs.

As you age, your responsibility and number of decisions grow, as does your ability to cope with challenges and setbacks. This means learning from mistakes, handling stress, and bouncing back from difficulties until you can solve problems and handle situations on your own.

We give our son opportunities as a teenager to be responsible for himself and to make decisions that affect him. But there is a limit, not only because of his age but also because of his circumstances.

It’s not always clear what our expectations should be, now and in the future. He struggles with executive functioning and memory, both of which are important to making good decisions and remembering things like medications. His awareness, both of himself and of situations, is also a challenge. While we continue to try and improve these skills, likely, he will always need support.

It’s important for us to normalize that being independent doesn’t mean he can’t ask for help when he needs it or that he is alone in his journey. It’s okay to need support. Being independent is about growing into his own person, making informed decisions, and taking responsibility for his life, whatever that will look like for him.